Category: Grief/loss

Feeling your loss when you least expect it...

1/5/2015

This morning at school drop off, one of the moms announced that she's expecting again. As everyone was hugging and congratulating her, I suddenly I found myself feeling tense, awkward, and not going to lie, a little bit jealous. Now let me be clear, I'm really thrilled for this mom and her family; babies are such a blessing (I know that for certain). But in full disclosure, in that moment, my loss hit me like a ton of bricks.. I was supposed to be giving birth any day now, and the reality sunk in deeply.

Truth is, this isn't the first time.. after we lost Ellie, I really struggled with this.. in the beginning I couldn't go to baby showers and found it difficult to be around pregnant women, even friends.. But I have to admit, after lots of experience with this, and months gone by, my feelings this morning really took me off guard. I have no profound advice; loss sucks no matter when you experience it, and it stays with you. You carry on in your life, but you never forget, and you're never the same.

I share this because sadly I know so many of you have experienced a loss. You may have had moments like this or you may not; but whenever and however your loss effects you is ok. Go easy on yourself and feel what you need to feel.

Wishing you strength & love.

xx
Rebecca

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Rainbow babies

11/1/2014

2 Comments

Many women like myself who have suffered a loss, are beyond blessed with a Rainbow Baby... A much anticipated, and anxiously awaited gift.. Its no surprise that a pregnancy with a Rainbow Babe (a pregnancy after loss) can be excruciating. lots of worrying and wondering and lots of extra appointments and probing ..... What surprised me though, and what I hadn't heard many people talk about, was the emotional side of it.

When our little rainbow baby Jack arrived, I was overwhelmed with love and gratitude; I don't think we could have been anymore in love and thankful for our little guy. But I also had moments of sadness and frustration.. Sad that I would never experience these moments with my baby girl (Ellie) who was taken from us the year before. Sad that my Ellie might be forgotten. I also put a ton of pressure on myself to be spectacular... after all this is what I had been waiting for. But, the truth is like every new mom I was learning and figuring things out..

If you are expecting a rainbow baby, I am over the moon for you. Truly, I always feel such a connection with moms like you, and so much excitement. Here are some things I want to tell you:

Please take it from me, go easy on yourself
You don't need to be supermom
It's okay to cry in happiness, and it's okay to cry in sadness all at the same time.
Be thankful for your new babe, and do something special to remember your angel babe
When people ask you if it's your first baby, it's okay to stumble... its okay to say yes, and it's okay to say no... and it's okay to them the whole story.
When you rock your rainbow babe to sleep, it's okay to wish you had got to do this with your angel babe. It's all okay!

As Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month comes to an end take a minute to remember all the beautiful babes we've lost and a moment of gratitude for all of our precious rainbow babes that light up our lives.

Thanks as always for stopping by and listening.

xx

Rebecca

2 Comments

Never forgotten....

10/15/2014

2 Comments

Life after loss....

9/3/2014

1 Comment

I wrote this post a while ago, based on my experience loosing our daughter Ellie. Not sure why I never published it...I certainly never dreamed that I would actually need my own advice and be experiencing loss again, but as I was reading through it just now, It really resonated and seemed worth sharing.. My most recent experience has also taught me that loss can look very different, and it all hurts.

If you asked me 6 years ago what my future and parenting journey would look like, I guarantee infant loss would not have been in the realm of possibilities….Life is funny though and bad things happen to good people all the time. I never intended to write about this, but my experience with Ellie and this journey has become such a huge part of who I am and how I parent, it seems only natural…

I was lucky enough to have a friend who had sadly already navigated the waters of infant loss. She was a huge resource and offered support that was invaluable and just what I needed. It’s a bond I never wanted to share with her or anyone else, but it is truly a bond that runs deep. I’m hoping by sharing my own experience and journey on here that maybe I can be that person for someone else or at least give others the inspiration to find that person and connect with others. It’s a group no one should have to be in, but if you’re experiencing this it’s a group that will prove invaluable…

I felt lost, alone (even though I wasn't), I felt mad, angry, sad, and I felt like I was living a bad dream. But somehow you pick up the pieces and move forward, these moments and experiences will never leave you, but you will move forward. The saying is "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and it's totally true, but beyond that, I believe that these difficult and heartbreaking times actually make us better versions of ourselves...

Here's some things that were helpful for me:

Have a spokesperson- my best friend was amazing, I asked her to keep in touch with everyone so I didn't have to, and let our other friends know what was happening
Address it head-on- I sent a mass email out to friends and family after Ellie passed, letting them know and thanking everyone for their support etc..
Take a vacation or just a break.... from social media, from life etc.. go to a spa or do something or go somewhere with people who you can just be with.. and take maternity leave still if you have it... I took the time I was allotted off from my Job, and it was the best thing I could have done.
Look for a support group where you can connect with moms/parents that have walked a similar path. While everyone means well, it's very hard to relate if you haven't experienced this loss. Most hospitals either have a support group or can help connect you with one. There are also some terrific online groups where you can find comfort and connect- I really liked Share Your Story - Through the March of Dimes. I found it an invaluable resource to ask questions especially when it came to trying again.
When you're ready, think about doing something positive with you terrible experience. I promise you that while it won't bring your baby back or lessen your loss, it will feel good and it will bring a sense of purpose. I starting volunteering and raising money for our local chapter of the March of Dimes in Ellie's memory, and I continue to do so today; for me it feels like the right way to honor her memory and bring purpose and meaning to our loss and experience.

Yes, everyone's experience is different and you might not feel any of what I'm describing, but if you do, don't feel ashamed (it's easy to, but its the last thing you
need). Take it a day at a time and go easy on yourself. There will be little things that will trigger a reaction you didn't expect. There will be situations that are too much and too overwhelming....just be good to yourself.

Here's what was really hard for me:

For a little while, I was slightly uncomfortable around babies, I couldn't even go to a good friends baby shower
Facebook bump photos seemed to be all over my news feed and too much to handle..
It would take all the restraint I could muster not to loose it when I saw pregnant women smoking or parents not attending to their kids (I know this seems judgmental but it just seems unfair in the moment)
Being left with a postpartum body and no baby
Answering the questions "do you have kids" "when are you going to have kids" or even now "how many kids do you have"

When you are emotionally and physically ready to try for another baby, be prepared that it will be the longest 9 months of your life... pregnancy on its own can be challenging, but pregnancy after loss is excruciating.. (IMO)... I spent a lot of time at my doctor's office, and her nurse and I were best buds. The best thing you can do is relax, but that's also the hardest thing to do. If your doctor says its ok, do prenatal yoga and breathing, anything to keep you calm. When our Jack finally arrived, I was overjoyed, over the moon exited, and filled with love welcoming our little miracle… but I was still often overcome with emotion thinking about what I missed out on with our little Ellie. Whatever you do, go easy on yourself, be kind to yourself, and do what's best for you and your little family.

If you are reading this and have experienced this, I'm truly sorry you've had to forge this path. Please don't hesitate to reach out if you want to chat.

Thanks as always for stopping by!

xx
Rebecca

1 Comment

Not the update I was hoping for...

8/10/2014

10 Comments

First of all, I cannot thank you all enough for all of your support in the last couple weeks. I am truly overwhelmed by the love and kindness. I had been optimistic and prayed with every morsel in my body for happy outcome and a better update...

Unfortunately this week went from bad to worse... earlier in the week we found out through microarray testing that our baby boy had a rare chromosomal microdeletion... while that could mean a broad spectrum of challenges we didn't consider it earth shattering until having an ultrasound shortly after. The ultrasound revealed our baby was suffering from the worst case scenario and most likely had an even more rare condition called TAR. Sadly we found out that our baby boy was not developing properly and not going to make it.. Even though we knew the Cystic Hygroma diagnosis was bleak and could lead to this, we were still shocked that all this was happening to us and our little boy... it all feels like a nightmare..

Everything happened fast, and I guess for that I'm grateful... I had a D&C procedure on Friday and am on the mend, but we are heartbroken and completely devastated to loose our little boy and the image of being a family of 5 in January. We are also doing a great deal of testing to figure out if one or both of us is a carrier of this chromosomal abnormality...yikes... the world of genetics is way more complex and something I never expected to have to understand..

We are sad, and feeling a little lost, but we are putting one foot in front of the other, picking up the pieces and hanging in there. I had said to my husband when we got our first piece of bad news that if something happened to our little boy I might loose it and go over the edge... But I didn't.. I will be ok, and I think we are all stronger that we imagine.

Right now we are grateful beyond words for Jack & Calvin. We feel blessed that they are happy, healthy, and wild little boys that keep us guessing, smiling, and chasing them everyday.

Thank you all again for your support, I truly appreciate it!

xx
Rebecca

10 Comments